When You Love Someone Through Loss: How to Support a Friend After Miscarriage, Stillbirth & Infant Loss

If you’re reading this, chances are someone you love is walking through a loss that feels impossible to fix. The loss of a baby can leave loved ones feeling unsure, afraid of saying the wrong thing, or unsure how to show up — especially when the grieving parent isn’t ready to receive help or unsure how they need to be served themselves.

First, let us say this: your desire to care already matters. Presence, gentleness, and respect go much further than perfectly chosen words or gifts.

Second, there is no “one size fits all” as everyone grieves differently. What they need & when they need it is impossible to predict. Showing up in any capacity, though, will open a door for them to feel seen.

Below is a gentle guide for loving someone through this type of loss, especially when they are quiet, withdrawn, or unsure of what they need.

Start With Understanding (Even if you don’t Fully Understand)

Pregnancy loss is deeply personal. Two people can experience the same type of loss and need completely different things. Some parents want to talk. Some want silence. Some want practical help. Others want space.

None of these responses mean they don’t care, aren’t grieving “enough,” or don’t appreciate love—they simply mean they are surviving.

When a mother isn’t ready to accept help, honoring that boundary *is* a form of care.

Understanding how unique this is would be your best first step. Validating the stage of this season for this mom is important — she is now postpartum just without a little one to care for earth side.

What to Say (and What to Avoid)

Helpful, gentle phrases:

• “I’m so sorry. I’m holding you close in my thoughts and prayers.”

• “There’s no pressure to respond—I just want you to know I’m here.”

• “I’m thinking of you today.”

• “I care deeply about you, your baby and what you are going through.”

Things to avoid (even when well‑intended):

• “Everything happens for a reason.”

• “At least you know you can get pregnant.”

• “God needed another angel.”

• Offering timelines for healing or future pregnancies

When in doubt, keep it simple. Validation is more comforting than explanation.

Supporting From a Distance (When They Aren’t Ready for Help)

If your friend isn’t ready to talk or receive support, there are still meaningful ways to love her:

• Send a short message with no expectation of reply

• Drop off something quietly (or mail it)

• Remember important dates and acknowledge them gently, especially as time goes on

• Continue checking in weeks and months later

• Refrain from the “let me know what I can do” and just do it. Drop off a grocery gift card, a meal, ingredients, pay for a laundry service, a house cleaner for a day (with proper notice). Don’t give her a chance to make a decision or accept something, instead give something that is easy to accept that does not put more on her plate.

Loss often becomes lonelier over time—not immediately. A friend of mine had the sweetest idea of doing something on the month anniversary of the loss. Ex. If the baby passed on the 19th of the month, send a card, flowers, coffee, etc. on the 19th of each month for some time.

Nothing has to be expensive. Words of affirmation are free and so very meaningful.

Creating a Thoughtful, Respectful Gift Basket

A gift basket doesn’t need to be big or symbolic. In fact, the most meaningful ones are often quiet and practical.

Gentle gift ideas:

• A blanket or even a quaint throw pillow

• A candle

• Herbal tea or comfort snacks

• A handwritten note (no pressure to respond)

• A journal

• Cozy socks or a robe and slippers is a personal favorite

• Self-care items: keep in mind that after you birth a baby even in loss, there are restrictions on bathing. Shower steamers, eye patches and masks, essential oils and scrubs would be safer options. Epson salt would be great for after that 6 week postpartum mark

• If you know details that are symbolic for her such as birth flower, the baby’s name, etc. items that represent that are sweet but not the only answer

• A keepsake box that invites your loved one to collect the momentums from this season is helpful, as well

What to avoid:

• Items that push positivity or future hope

• Baby‑related imagery

• Overly wordy cards

Tip: Include a note that explicitly releases pressure, such as: “There’s no need to reach out or respond. This is simply a reminder that you’re loved.”

Let Go of the Need to Do It ‘Right’

You cannot fix this. And you are not meant to.

Your role is not to heal, explain, or make it better—it’s to witness, to remember, and to stay.

Even imperfect support, offered with humility and patience, matters more than silence born from fear.

If you know that your loved one has a desire to talk about their experience, do your very best to open that door in a private and appropriate space. If you are unsure of their feelings on sharing, I do not believe it hurts at all to simple ask in private “Would you like to talk about things” and if it is a quick “no” have a swift back up topic to bring up. If there is any awkward feelings from this, they will quickly fade into the next conversations. At least you left your friend or family member knowing you are available to be that safe space for them.

Always remember that your loved one is always thinking about their baby and you do not need to be fearful of “bringing it back up in their mind” because it will always be there.

Our hope is that these blankets can be that open door for this type of situation.

It is also important to note that what your loved one is wanting a week after this loss might not be the same a year later. Needs and feelings are allowed to shift on any timeline.

From Us at Something to Hold

At Something to Hold, we walk alongside families experiencing miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. We believe care should be gentle, consent‑based, and rooted in dignity. Ultimately, we know that the only true peace and comfort is given from the grace of God and through our faith. The hope we have in heaven, that we will one day be reunited changed the trajectory of our healing. The more we can share this message and the gospel of Jesus Christ, the larger the kingdom of heaven grows.

If you’re supporting someone through loss and feel unsure, you’re not failing—you’re learning and frankly so are we. Love that shows up shaky, softly or without confidence is still love that counts.